On Abusive Relationships

Manipulation is abuse. 

I have suffered in abusive relationships and chances are you have too.

As someone who has done extensive work on themselves and the study of empowerment, I was naive to think that it wouldn’t happen to me. While it may not leave visible scars, abusive relationships bruise you in ways that you wouldn’t know were possible. Left unaddressed your confidence will go, your self-esteem will crash, and the scariest scar will leave you projecting the abuse onto others. 

Most of the time manipulation is something that happens over time. A parasite and host relationship. The parasite will look for a host where they have things to gain at the cost of the host. In humans, usually the parasite is looking for power or control; the parasite will often gain this through manipulation. Like cancer, if you don’t immediately start treatment and/or remove the cancerous cells it’ll continue to grow and spread until the host has been sucked of health and life-force and eventually the host will die. It’s dangerous and it’s deadly. 
Not all types of abuse and manipulation are the same and not all abuse come from romantic partners. It can be family, friends, and work relationships; unfortunately the list goes on. “So how do I know if I’m being manipulated?” In my experience you’ll know because it’ll leave you feeling like powerless i.e. “I don’t have a choice”, or questioning “will they be mad if I don’t do _____”. Your body is constantly sending you messages, and it’s up to you whether or not you’re letting them sit in your voicemail box or responding. Some of the things I’ve experienced look and feel like this:

TYPES OF ABUSE

I. Criticism 

“your hair looked like awful before you knew me”

“you’re so much better now that you know me”

“you’re really going to wear that?”

“you’re a shitty person”

Taking credit.

II. The Victim

“why would you do this to me?”

“do you see what you did?”

Never taking any responsibility for their role in a situation/relationship.

Creating and sharing a narrative that depicts you as the villain.

III. Gas Lighting

"that’s not how that happened”

“that’s not what I meant”

“you’re taking it to seriously”

“omg, it was just a joke”

Dissolution from your reality and your feelings.

IV. Harassment/Intimidation

Showing up to places you frequent. 

Confronting you in public places.

Bullying.

Assertiveness isn’t always strength, especially when it’s a mask for control. And it isn’t loving. It’s a way to take someone’s power of self. 

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO 

*Here’s the tea* No one can take your power away without you giving it up. And the easiest way for you to stay in the victim role is for you to think that you’re helpless in situations. The good news is that you’re always teaching people how they can treat you AND the bad news is that you’re always teaching people how to they can treat you. So what role are you taking in this? Will you stay in the victim role or will you rise to become the victor? At what point do you say enough is enough and step back into your power by saying “fuck this, you don’t get to treat me like this”. I hope for your sake and those around you, it’s soon. Take responsibility for your own actions and then take your power back.

PROTECT YOURSELF

Some people will care less about you and more about your ability to fill an emotional void that’s been haunting them.

The thing about empowerment is that when you finally start to stand up for yourself/set boundaries, the people who benefited from them are going to be upset, because they’ll feel like they’re losing control. And then what they’ll do is everything they can to paint a picture and rewrite the story into how you did something wrong, or how it was your fault. Manipulation. 

There are truly three sides to each story. One side, the other, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. And the only way to really know what is honestly happening to reflect on the part you take in each relationship and then take ownership. Stop being the victim. Without awareness we go unhealed and unhealed means that we will definitely hurt others along the way. It won’t be on purpose, but it will happen. So I guess you have to ask yourself, “do I really want to feel the way that others have made me feel? Also, have some fucking empathy. Try your hardest to see it from someone else’s perspective. I truly believe that if we all did more of this our world would have less hate and more love. 

HOW TO TAKE YOUR POWER BACK

Step One: Observe/Wake up

The thing about most toxic relationships is that you won’t know you’re in one until you’re out of it. For me, the physical sensations that I felt in my body were that closely related to anxiety, anger, exhaustion, fear and the feeling of being powerless. Your body will be telling you that something is off, it’s up to you to listen. This is why it’s so important to be connected with your body and learn to hear AND trust your inner voice. INTUITION. You’ll want to take some time alone to figure out exactly what it is that is bothering you and how you can feel better and more respected. Is this relationship healthy for you? Does this relationship serve your highest self? Does is make you feel excited about your life or does it suck your energy? Stop lying to yourself. Get honest, because only honest people heal. 

Step Two: Set a Boundary

Once you identify what it is about the relationship that is bothering you or that needs to change, your next step is going to be establishing boundaries about what you want and need. Most manipulation and abuse is from a lack of and/or weak boundaries. 

Step Three: Walk away

If you’ve set a boundary and/or asked for what you need and they continue to cross or ignore your needs you’re going to have to do what is probably the hardest thing. End the relationship. There are a few ways of doing this. The first could look like weaning yourself away gently and creating space, and if this doesn’t work then you’ll need to leave completely.

Step 4: Feel it, Forgive, and Fight for your spirit. 

Grief is a bitch, which is why most people choose to push it down and not grieve. If you don’t do it, you won’t be able to move on. So once you’ve made a decision sit with it and allow yourself to feel exactly what it is that you’re feeling. It may be anger, sadness, fear, confusion, etc., but at the base of all of this is love. You’re literally mourning what was and what could’ve been. And to add to that, I don’t think people understand that even if it’s “what’s best for you”, you’ll still need to grieve it. It’s a part of you. And it’s ok to be sad. Give yourself some fucking grace, you’re not a robot… yet.

One of the best things I’ve done in my life is learn to forgive people that didn’t apologize and/or didn’t deserve an apology. Why? Because then they don’t get to carry space in your heart or take up anergy anymore. MLK Jr. said “Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.”, so spread love and see what happens. And know that just because someone is toxic for you it doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person or that they don’t have good qualities. It just means that they aren’t good for YOU. Your job isn’t to fix them, it’s to know what’s best for you, and do that. Be a bright star in a dark sky.

Once you’ve made it this far you’re going to have to fight for your spirit. If it is a toxic relationship (and depending on your attachment style), you’re going to second guess your decision and will feel tempted to go back. Don’t. It’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be hard. You’re going to have anxiety about it. You’ll get mad, you’ll feel sad, and most likely you’ll feel the need to get even. Don’t. Your physical being wants comfort, but in order for your spirit to grow it’s going to ask you to do the opposite of what is comfortable. And it’ll suck in the beginning because it feels unknown but you’ve gotta fight for spirit. Like your life depends on it. The sky will always be the darkest before the new moon. Have faith that just like every other hard thing you’ve ever experienced in your life, you’ll get through this season too. 

Lastly, forgive yourself. This has been the hardest part of this process for me (usually I am the last person on my list). I’ve felt stupid. I’ve felt mad. And truly I’ve felt like a piece in this vast game that I had no say in. The words “you knew better constantly ringing in my head”; yet forgiving yourself will be your biggest act of love. You did what you could and it was a means for survival at that point. Learn from it and move on. 
In my experience growing your spirit will be the most rewarding thing you’ve ever spent your time doing. Be big spirited. Big spirit = big life. 

It’s on YOU, to get YOU, where YOU want to be. Figure out what your dream life looks like and say NO to everything that isn’t that - and most likely that’s going to start with figuring out how you want to be treated, who you want to be surrounded by, and what’s important to you.

DISCLAIMER

I am not a trained psychologist. Everything that I write about is from personal experience and I can only speak to my reality. I hope it helps, and remember if you’re struggling and need someone to talk to, find someone. Whether it’s someone you feel safe with that can hold space, or a trained therapist, it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done.

from love,