Fuck Easy-Going
Been a minute. Like more than a year. Let’s recap. Last time I wrote it was 2022 and I was pretty sick, well 2023 wasn’t much better. Sure there were good moments, but I truly think that 2023 was like the final night of darkness. Not gonna say it was a full loss, def learned a lot, def disliked a lot, and glad that it's over. Good riddance.
2023 felt like a ton of resistance - like no matter how much I tried to push forward I just kept getting pushed back. Universe fully testing my threshold to see what I was really made of. Well, what I can tell you is that I’m made of shit you don’t want to fuck with.
2023 felt like a chapter was ending. Like the ending to a book that you hated, but you know you’d be pissed if you didn’t finish.
What I’m most excited about is that I don’t feel that way about 2024. And this isn’t blind optimism, like this is a feeling I know deep down in my gut. Let’s be clear - this didn’t just happen, this feeling is because I’ve spent time in the trenches surgically dissecting what it was that I wanted and tossing the parts of me, and my life, that I no longer wanted. People, places, and things. Good fucking bye.
Fully committed.
Fully aligned.
Fully earned.
I’m claiming it.
2024 is the year that I fall in love again. In love with life. Love with myself. In love with feeling good. In feeling blessed.
Choosing joy, and moving forward.
Fuck easygoing. I’m doing what I want. I intend to feel good.
Sounds too good to be true, right? A month into the new year how can you possibly know that it’s going to be good. I just do. And look, I’ve spent the last six years of my life diving into what has made me the person I am today. And I know that by no means am I done - but today I can look back and see things with clarity.
Heartbreak.
Grief.
Anger.
Death.
And I wouldn’t change it. Ok, maybe there is a little lie there, maybe I would change a few things haha. But who wouldn’t. Also, I know that everything happens for a reason. Just gotta trust that.
Internal work is exhausting. It’s that thing that no matter how much work you do it’s never done. It’s like being a parent. That moment during nap time you get everything cleaned up, then you sit down and the baby starts crying. “hey siri, play Crazytrain by Ozzy Osborne”
“ALLLLLL ABOARD!”
You want to cry. Maybe you do. Thats cool. Stay humble. Stay positive. Stay consistent.
The dark nights of the soul.
Grateful for being hard to kill. Grateful for being strong.
Today I feel grounded and grateful. And gifted. Also, let’s be clear, I’ve had a ton of support along the way. Shoutout to the following:
Fitness. Fitness taught me discipline.
Diana Vitantonio. Diana taught me more about life than anyone.
Franklin DeLuca. Franklin taught me that I was lovable.
My family. Both blood and chosen, they’ve taught me that I’ll never be alone.
Without these people I wouldn’t be who I am. And FRFR (for real) I’d probably be dead. Not kidding.
TBH, I’m just done feeling like shit and living in this place of eternal suffering.
“But what if suffering is all that you know?”
TOUGH LOVE
Get the fuck up and stop being a bitch. Stop being a victim and start doing something about it. You know who doesn’t get what they want? The people that refuse to take responsibility and take action. You wanna keep suffering? Cool. You wanna play small? Cool.
I don’t. Get fucking real.
Get real about what matters to you.
Get real about who you want in your life.
Get real about how you want to feel.
Get real about who the fuck you want to be.
Be done playing the nice guy.
TBH I didn’t realize how much people pleasing I was still holding onto, worried about being liked and being nice. Not causing ripples in the water and playing safe. Well, I’m fucking done.
If someone thinks I’m a dick because I’m not going out of my way to pacify their insecurities, baby girl, that’s about you, not me. Be better. I’ve spent years worried about everyone else’s feelings and at what cost? My feelings. My happiness.
Look, I’m actually a kind person, I’m just done being fake.
I don’t need to be liked.
Also, if you’re acting a certain way to manage people’s perceptions of you, that’s actually manipulation. That’s the tea, and it’s served pipping hot.
The sad thing is that I’ve gotten to this place because I’m just tired of the chase - its exhausting. No reason to hide. When I die, I don’t want people to talk about how nice he was, I want them to talk about how real he was. My hope is that by living authentically, people feel inspired to do the same. I once read, “Standing in your power will either trigger someone’s shadow or their light”, and I fully believe that.
ACTION
If the f-bombs haven’t scared you away and you’re still reading and are like “this all sounds great, but I don’t even know where to start?”. Maybe try some of these:
Stop forcing relationships just because you feel obligated. Just because you’ve always been friends doesn’t mean you have to remain friends. Relationships are meant to have seasons. If you dread seeing the person, or feel obligated, move on. Be grateful for the relationship and let it go. Energy is reciprocal - if you never get anything from the relationship, Like Ariana Grande said, “boi bye”.
When you run into someone, don’t feel obligated to talk. Say “hi” (or don’t), and move on. I hate the fake “Omg, sooo good to see you, we should get together” fully knowing that you have no intention of getting together. FAKE.
Stop committing to things you don’t want to do.
Obvi, boundaries.
Honestly, the best thing you can do when you start/are going through this process is spend time alone. Influence is everywhere. When was the last time you did something just because you wanted to? Learn to listen to yourself. Learn to know what you like. Learn. Period.
Ok, FRFR I feel like this was all over the place but I had to get it out. With that being said, let's wrap this up. Again, I’m very grateful because I’ve had support along my journey. You know what they say, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”, so I want to thank myself. For going in. And not giving up. You da real MVP. I’d also like to thank God. Not the God based in religion, but the God in faith.
Here is the deal, maybe right now you aren’t where you want to be and that’s ok. Give yourself some credit. Life is hard. None of us have done this before and none of us are getting out alive.
Want to know how you get the life you want? You start living in-practice.
DISCLAIMER: I’m just as fucked up as the next person and am not a trained professional. I am speaking to what is true to me and my journey. BTW your triggers aren’t my responsibility.
“I’m through being polite, God damnit! Now, take me down!” - Rose, Titanic (1997)