Here
Fuck.
Where to begin when it feels like it's been so long? Here.
Because here is where and what we’ll always have if we choose it. Yeah, you can choose to focus on what you want to be or what you had - but in living there, you’ll miss that space in-between. This dash called life. The thing that is everything that we’ve done and the catalyst for who we have the potential to be.
Here is where I am.
Here is where I feel the safest.
Here is where I can take a deep belly breath.
Here is where I’ll find laughter.
Here is where I want to be.
So what happens when life pulls you away from here?
You fight like hell to get back. Like your life depends on it. Because it does.
Like Samuel L. Jackson, you gotta decide that you’re tired of these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane and you gotta do something about it. (p.s. I’m deathly afraid of snakes and if I was on that plane I would’ve pulled the emergency door immediately and killed us all.)
The last 9 months of my life have been truly insane. Mourning the death of two family members, moving two homes, quitting a job, trying to take on everything while smiling and trying to be the best at everything (of course <upside down face>). Secretly I was fucking dying and I had to shut off the part of me that I’m so proud of. My soul. I had to shut off the part of me that did nothing but care for me. The part of me that loved me unconditionally. The part of me telling me to slow down, to breathe, to stay connected to who I am in the here. All warning signs - shut off. Survival. Fight or Flight. And sometimes freeze. Straight up, my soul was like “yellow light” and I gassed it. Like Ricky Bobby is Talladega Nights. Do I feel successful, sure. But at what cost? The cost of laughter, the cost of belly breathing, and the cost of what I, what we, crave the most… to feel safe.
I died.
My body reacted in ways that I had no option other than to sit the fuck down and be like - “whoa, how did we get here?” - The wake up call. Realizing that I’ve ignored everything I’ve worked so hard to get.
Peace.
Freedom.
Solace.
Instead I felt
Crippling anxiety.
Shallow breath.
Dwelling stress.
Exhaustion.
Sabotage.
But my body knows me. It knows that we’ve lived in this place before, strangely enough this palace of pain that I created felt like home. My body also knows there is still a large part of my ego that lives within my gay-ass that is shallow. My body had it’s “Ah Ha!” moment.
Body: “Slow down”
Me: “One more month”
Body: “No”
Me: “Yes”
Body: “Fine. I’ll give you a superficial reaction that you can’t ignore”
Me: <shocked face>
Body: “See, I told you, you stupid bitch”
Sidebar: In reality your body would never say mean things to you, Thats your mind. Your body loves you more than you’ll ever know - the goal in life is to learn to love it back .
Last year, when I decided that I wanted a new life I knew it was going to be hard. But fuck.
Actually, I don’t think that “hard” is the correct word, I think painful is better suited.
Deciding that you want a new life is actually really simple. Creating one is hard. It’s leaving everything behind that makes it hard. Something must die in order to be born. Let the version of yourself that doesn’t work any longer go. You’re being guided towards your highest self. And if you aren’t feeling guided, or you need help, ask. Help will always be provided to those who ask… or whatever Dumbledore said.
Here is the thing, I’ve created multiple new-lives for myself in this lifetime and it never really gets easier - you just get harder to kill.
The place in-between, the dash, whatever you wanna fuckin call it, is really cool place to live because when you choose to do so, you’ll find light in the dark.
I left a job I wasn’t happy in AND I found one with endless opportunities.
I lost two family members AND we had a baby.
I left my identity behind AND I’m creating a new one.
You will have to leave something behind in order to create space for something new.
If you’re still reading I guess you’re probably wondering “ok… but like… when do we get the juicy goods/the take-aways? Now. BTW I am not a trained professional. I just know what worked for me. Over and over again. Every time I get disconnected from my body these are the techniques I use to come home.
How I reset my nervous system
Breathwork. There are literally so many resources available to you. Go on youtube and google “breathwork”. Start small and work your way up. The goal is to notice your breath and ground down. I do my breathwork first thing in the morning for two reasons; for me, it’s hard to breathe deeply after eating, and secondly, sometimes it feels like a chore so I frog that shit. Mark Twain once said that if you have to eat a live frog, do it first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. EAT THE FROG.
Meditation. Find one that works for you. If sitting still doesn’t work, find one that is movement based, like lap swimming (but get curious as to why you can’t sit still). Yes, I just came for you. I really enjoy the “Insight Timer” app, which is cool if you’re competitive because it tracks how many consecutive days you do it. This app has a TON of free content, and even has breathwork courses you can follow.
Rest. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.. coffee isn’t a replacement for rest. Like you need actual rest. Like days where you literally don’t do shit. Or do shit that you enjoy that makes you feel recharged. And sleep. Prioritize sleep over everything else. 7 hours minimum.
Gut Health. What the fuck are you eating? Is it trash? Because if you’re eating trash you’re gonna feel like absolute shit. If you’re trying to feel good again, be mindful about what you’re eating. Focus on micro ingredients, not your macros, bro. Cut out the processed shit as much as you can. And drink some fucking water - with salt, electrolytes, and potassium. I like these https://drinklmnt.com/
Cold Exposure. I’ve started cold plunging in the morning. Whether it be in the pool or a cold shower. And truly, I hate it but I rely on my breath to regulate my nervous system. Long exhales. I’ve gotten to the point where I enjoy the challenge. Also, it doesn’t have to be some long ass excruciating length of time. Just long enough for your body to calm down and your mind to stop racing.
Vagus Nerve Activation. Sing loud. hum. IDK, that’s what I do. Again, I’m not a professional. Google it.
Movement. Get into your body. Yoga, walking, working out, whatever it is that takes you out of your head and into your body.
Give birth. Create something. Cook. Art. Write. Find childlike joy.
Feel your emotions. Don’t numb out.
Music. Listen to music that makes you want to feel. Music that makes you want to move. Music that makes you want to sing as loud as you can. The beat of the music and the beat of the heart are one and the same.
Have questions? Reach out. I’d love to connect.
Xoxo,